Do Childfree People Have Better Sex?/Can one be a feminist and a mother?/ Can you really call yourself ecologically responsible if you have kids?/Is this really a world to bring a new person into?  

The first question I’m often asked when being interviewed about my childfree books and activism is: When did you know you never wanted to have children? Was it an epiphany or was it a stance that was brewing in your mind for a while?

I usually explain to the journalist that in my case it was both, a process that cumulated in an epiphany: I hadn’t given motherhood very much thought in my teens or twenties; in my thirties I started reading about it more and more in order to make an informed choice – and then, in 2017, I found the famous study by Kimberly Nicholas at Lund University in Sweden. She and her team compared the impact of different actions and surprise! By far the biggest ultimate impact is having one fewer child, which the researchers calculated equated to a reduction of 58 tons of CO2 for each year of a parent’s life. And we’re talking about sources from Europe, North America and Japan… They found getting rid of a car saved only 2.4 tons a year, avoiding a return transatlantic flight saved 1.6 tons and becoming vegetarian saved 0.8 tons a year. This was my eureka moment as I’m trying hard to keep my ecological footprint as small as possible. 

But not only ecological reasons made me choose the childfree life. “Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than for childless couples.” This is what Matthew D. Johnson, professor of psychology and director of the marriage and family studies laboratory at Binghamton University, writes. The “belief that having children will improve one’s marriage is a tenacious and persistent myth among those who are young and in love,” Johnson continues. There are many studies confirming Johnson’s results. 

In 2019, Paul Dolan, professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, published the book Happy Ever After. He claims that the happiest – and healthiest – subgroup in our society are unmarried, childfree women. Journalist Sian Cain writes about this phenomenon in the Observer: Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert, saying that some people have suspected the results of Dolan’s study already but the majority still believes in old-fashioned ideas. That’s why Cain chose the subtitle Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan says traditional markers of success no longer apply. Correct. It’s a tradition that’s incredibly hard to break. But it’s definitely worth trying…

Many women told me their heart-breaking stories of failed marriages – not in spite of the fact that they are mothers, but because of that! I was horrified to hear about all those tragedies, yet again, Leslie Ashburn-Nardo, who has been doing research in this field for forty years, arrives at the same conclusions. In 2015, she published a shocking result in the magazine Demography: a newborn’s effect on a couple is harder than divorce, unemployment or even the death of your partner! The scholar has conducted many studies concerning this topic and they all confirm: children impact relationships in a negative way. Did I want this for my own marriage? Definitely not! 

Many first-hand stories of parents reveal that their erstwhile sex life was going downhill from the second they decided to “try for a baby.” Small wonder! This project seems to involve weird procedures. Couples are supposed to have sex at 5 p.m. sharp and in a certain position. It’s also important to eat the right food, to abstain from substances you’d normally enjoy, to listen to Mozart or chamber music (even before conceiving) etc. 

Afterwards you have to make sure that every measure is taken to guarantee the success of your biology experiment. The desperation of couples who “fail” is well-known. But also the “lucky” ones who are proud parents nine months later complain about their sex life - or lack of - if you talk to them privately. 

There are parents who manage to get away on a romantic evening/weekend from time to time. But the question remains if this really makes up for all those nights when you tried to sneak in five minutes but were cruelly separated by a howling baby?

There are whole novels dealing with the phenomenon of parents who desperately try to have a pleasant time together without interruption... Furthermore, childfree couples don’t have to organize this event weeks before... Which is of course quite likely to kill any romantic feelings when you have to be in the mood this very evening because you know when you are not, you’ll have to wait ages till a similar situation pops up again.

In Germany, one mother talked about her self-esteem on the radio, for everyone to listen to. Well, she actually talked about a shopping spree with her daughter. It was supposed to be funny but it was very sad, because the woman described her figure, which she obviously found lacking, and immediately she emphasized it wasn’t her “duty” to look good any more, she was a mother! She went into a changing cubicle, taking her young child with her. Undressing she was even unhappier and her daughter confirmed: “Not beautiful, mommy!”

Children and fools tell the truth, the mother consoled herself. This struck me because it was wrong on so many levels. Why on earth was it her “duty” before she gave birth to please anyone but herself? Why did she accept criticism by a child? Had her young daughter already internalized not only how to put other women down but also questionable beauty standards? 

Children aren’t good for your self-esteem, several studies found. And this radio show was impressing further proof... 

Additionally, you can’t be spontaneous if you have a kid. There is this supposedly funny video about young parents: the woman hectically shaves, cuts herself, smears lipstick on her face and tells her man that it’s now or never... Little Archie has gone to sleep. Hubby rises to the occasion, also runs to the bathroom, freshens up, then joins his wife in bed. Just as they start kissing, Archie starts crying... They manage to get him quiet again and want to take up where they left off. As they are in such a hurry, the woman finally slips on a carpet and falls, the man hurts himself when he desperately tries to help her. 

Well, the video is exaggerated, but seemingly not that much... Who on earth wants to live like that? This kills any rest of lust that might have remained if you became parents!

Apart from that, your imagination isn’t used up by planning children’s school days, birthday parties, your time and energy aren’t consumed by hurrying through a tight schedule which leaves you exhausted at the end of the day. Instead, childfree people have the leisure to focus on their partner and their feelings and desires, which improves each relationship automatically. Being each other’s number one is even one of the reasons lots of childfree couples offer when asked about their decision.

Sleep is also crucial. If you’re tired all the time, your (sex) life suffers. And again, science confirms: sleep duration and satisfaction dropped significantly for parents at childbirth and reached rock bottom three months later. The results of a new study (researchers from the University of Warwick, West Virginia University and the German Institute for Economic Research collaborated and asked 2500 women and 2100 men) were published in January 2019 in the journal Sleep. The most important result of this study is the fact that it takes six whole years till parents’ sleep patterns start to resemble those of before again! There are numerous cartoons dealing with this problem, too. Depending whether they are posted in a childfree group or in a parents’ group, the comments tend to vary…

As the childfree also have time and money enough to enjoy their lives, they usually are way more cultivated and inspiring. This not only heightens their sex appeal, but makes them more sensitive as well as open and imaginative. If you focus totally on the beloved person in bed with you (or wherever...) and not on your genes or the act of reproduction, you reach a level of exclusive, intense intimacy unknown to those who are just keen on producing a mini-me and shockingly often consider their partner only as means to an end. 

In my latest book I quote various famous feminists, e.g. Shulamith Firestone, who wrote about the core of women’s oppression being her mother role. That was in 1970! Also Simone de Beauvoir teaches us: no feminist lets herself be used as incubator for patriarchy. And this is of course still true; the women usually bear the brunt of reproduction, physically, as pregnancy and childbirth are always a strain on the female body, financially, psychically and emotionally. So what do you want? A self-determined life with real freedom to explore your thoughts, feelings and talents or a conventional cage where you talk to other mommies about the food in the kindergarten? 

So it’s logical that mostly right-wing misogynists send me rape and death threats. Other publicly known feminists report similar hate speech and this is one of the aspects that keeps me going - I’ll never cave in to the bully! 

Thanks to conservatives like J.D. Vance insults referring to a woman’s childless or childfree status are currently on a revival and things can become really dangerous, e.g. in Russia, where they succeeded in banning what they call childfree propaganda – i.e. information about fulfilling your potential as a female personality by rejecting motherhood.

In times of wars and climate change people develop fears and sadly turn to right-wing parties for safety, not realizing that their ideology always harms women and reduces their freedom immensely. 

Apart from that, great, intelligent, sensitive people with lots of empathy send me wonderfully encouraging words – that means a lot, too. Stop having kids if you are interested in saving our planet, for people who already exist (especially in the Global South) and our wonderful animals.