Parenthood Regret - Real, Rampant, Rejected

 A Repressed Epidemic

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There is a silent epidemic going on and that is parenthood regret. This form of regret can come during pregnancy, following labor, or years after childbirth. From a young age society ingrains in us a notion that it is natural and mandatory to birth children, reinforced through the promise of fulfillment, regardless of personal desire. The idea of being an intentional non-parent is demonized and discouraged with threat of regret—insinuating one cannot find joy or self-actualization without procreation. Regret is weaponized to enshrine the act of procreating through coercion and pressure, often, at the expense of the individual and newborn life. The monopolization of regret insinuates that it is exclusive to those resolute in being non-parents, even though this is incompatible with reality. Societal stigma and pressure leads to a lack of critical thought regarding the gravity of child-birth and its subsequent repercussions, the demonization of those who do experience regret from parenthood, the silencing of those experiencing remorse resulting from blind adherence to natalist ideology, and the rejection of a whole populace who have consciously chosen to opt out of natalism—often depicting this community as both harmful and lesser than.

Decisions Guided By Fear And Pressure

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Society makes people feel obligated to participate in a structured way of living that includes coupledom, marriage, shared living arrangements and expenses, and having kids. Tragically, this blinds many people to the fact that there’s no “right” way to live. The pressure on women in a gender-conformed society, is especially rigid and pre-determined. The expectation to have children is so extreme that it forsakes the possibility for life outside these norms. Society flips the ability for women to have children into an obligation for them to have children. Worse yet, after having children, women are expected to bear the brunt of the burden that comes with caring for a child as a result of gender biases assuming women naturally desire, or are born with, a drive and aptitude to be caretakers. These biases lead to a lack of rigorous reflection on the implications of participating in such a rigid life structure. It’s normal for people to invest in procreation without ever critically thinking or talking about the ramifications that come with having kids in the first place and imagining a possible future life without biological children. This lack of reflection and communication leads many into a life they may not have chosen, had the option of not having kids crossed their mind, and been welcomed, or treated as equal, or better than, the act of procreating. This lack of critical thought extends into the consideration of what they are choosing to get themselves, and a new human who cannot consent, into. Women who do think intently about their future, and the future that awaits new life, and seek surgical contraception in order to safeguard against the possibility of pregnancy and giving birth, are often turned away by doctors with rhetoric from professionals as follows:

“One day you will regret your decision” / “You will be unfulfilled without kids” / “You just don’t know what you want, yet.” / “Maybe you should wait until you have a partner.”

However, despite regret being commonplace, women are rarely encouraged to question having kids and consider that they may regret their decision.

Demonization And Invalidation

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When parents do express remorse for their decision, they are often demonized, delegitimized, or faced with reactions of disbelief. Often, these parental informants are ridiculed through some combination of name calling or ad hominem attacks such as claims of selfishness, abuse, unstable mental health, immorality, a lack of effort, or a general claim of failure as a human being. Ultimately, regret is viewed by people as an inexcusable failure indicative of an inability to adapt to parenthood. In reality, it is a conclusion reached, often through much deliberation, that all parties could have been better off had they made a different decision in the past. The implication is that it is intolerable to feel remorse and one should feel shame if they do. We are all owners of our bodies, thoughts, emotions, memories, imagination, and traumas, and we are capable of assessing our own decisions without interference from societal norms or outside parties. Regretful parents can still experience a reciprocal love with their children and seek to provide the best life possible given our worldly circumstances. This conflicts with the popular narrative that these parents must be horrible people who don’t care about their children. Just as experiencing remorse does not equate to a bad parent, not experiencing remorse does not guarantee one is a good parent. These stereotypes only serve to reinforce societal pressures and normative behaviors without consideration for the validity of such claims. Nearly all parents perpetuate the cycle of trauma to some extent (i.e. passing on emotional trauma, neglect to any capacity, verbal abuse when frustrated, etc), and child abuse and infant abuse are pervasive in today’s society.

Silence Or Compliance

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Most people who experience parenthood regret don’t voice their thoughts or feelings on the topic because it carries such a large stigma in our emotionally-charged society. Mothers often feel especially unsafe exploring their disappointment and sorrow over having kids, as it is stigmatized as unacceptable—since society tells us motherhood is an inevitability and duty of women. This silencing of regret, and society’s refusal to accept parenthood regret in general, perpetuates the problem and exacerbates the unhappiness and suffering experienced as people continue to lose the lives they could’ve had, and wish they had. When people do outwardly explore the challenges and hardships of parenting, they are often met with disapproval and told to be grateful, that they are lucky, to suck it up, to stop whining, that it’ll get better with time, or some other means of rejecting a valid and shared experience among many. Patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny have brought double standards, and with that women tend to be treated worse by others when it comes to their dissatisfaction with parenthood. The result of such silencing can be detrimental, this can include, but is not limited to mental health disabilities, the development of abusive behaviors stemming from an inability to cope in their current circumstances, and even suicide.

Rejecting Reality

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We all have life experiences we regret, and with that comes sensations of suffering and disturbance to our life. Decisions carry repercussions and regrets happen when we fail to appropriately measure potential consequences and the impact they may have on our lives. There are some people who regret not having kids, but they often still find means of living a “happy” and fulfilling life. Contrarily, people who regret having kids can’t undo the act of having children. As a result, their quality of life becomes diminished and they must sacrifice the joy, freedom, peace and fulfillment they could have otherwise had. Parenthood is one of the most prevalent forms of regret experienced, alongside other common manifestations of regret such as past romantic relationships, education choice, and employment. We have to understand that there are all kinds of personalities and parenting is not right for everyone, men or women. The misunderstanding that it is a person's duty to bare and rear life, or otherwise fear leading a meaningless existence, is fundamentally at odds with the reality that many people who are childfree are leading lives more fulfilling and enriching than those weighted by parenthood. Such notions are willfully ignorant of the growing community of individuals resolved to lead a life of personal liberation, whose actions are rooted in consideration of the fact that no life can consent to existing—especially when worldly affairs are growing bleaker by the minute.

Insight Into Popular Reasons Consenting Humans Have Kids:

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Insight Into Popular Reasons People Regret Having Kids:

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