From a young age I knew I never wanted to be a mother. And that same ideology is holding up like concrete now at twenty-six years old. Motherhood, pregnancy, and children make me cringe to my soul. There is no desire at all to keep following this same outdated narrative that is so valiantly marketed to the naive masses. I have even surpassed the age my own mother was bringing her four kids into this world. I know my family views me as strange for denying what seems like a necessary human function. But I find it even more strange having been brought into this world by people who didn’t love each other but still had sex irresponsibly after knowing each other for less than three months, are not together anymore, and both ignore my existence at this point in time. I wish my father would’ve understood that having a child was not like getting a new puppy. That I was going to be his responsibility way past eighteen years old. That clothing, feeding, and providing a roof over my head wouldn’t be where his duties end. I never understood why he wanted me born if he was just going to abuse me and end abandoning me. 

I wish my mother had an ounce of common sense and ran the other way instead of straight into his baby-trap. That staying and making me watch their domestic violence- even feeling that wrath stretch out to me was going to detrimentally ruin my chances of a normal life. 

A normal and healthy life I should say. All that C-PTSD; living day to day with adrenaline, stress, and anxiety for years bled into my physical health. It has created multiple autoimmune diseases that I’m forced to live with, and of course without a cure. My quality of life is constantly deteriorating. All I can do now is manage the pain and try to live comfortably until I die. It would be nice of my parents to profusely apologize for inflicting this upon me and doing their part to help me where I am physically debilitated. But that is a dream and will remain only that. I feel it is a due diligence of mine to not reproduce. Why would I want to bring a child into this world knowing they’re going to face the same problems and suffer like I do? I find that fundamentally cruel and morally wrong. I feel a responsibility to not pass on my poor genetics. I also fear I would do a worse job than my own parents. What purpose do children need to be brought into the world for? I swear I only ever hear wrong answers. Having children is not something you do for aesthetic. Don’t have them because you’re bored, lonely, and want a little miniature you. Because you can’t think of a better retirement plan. Because you want to try to save your relationship or have some leverage in it. Because you want a solution to the problems you created. It is that selfishness that keeps the world populated. I’m doing my part to end this cruel cycle.

We already have enough people alive that have been discarded by society, let’s not create more. Let’s help who is already here.